So... This Happened....

IN A PLACE WHERE I LIVE.

The BEST Disney Wedding EvAR!

You GUYS. Her dad wore a King Triton crown and carried a trident. 

But wait, there's MORE! Here is the photographer's website:
http://shariphotography.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-greatest-disney-wedding-ever.html

I'm not going to re-post the photos, because I know how important blog traffic can be to photographers.  Also, I don't have time because I have to go find these people so that we can be friends.

But seriously, go LOOK at these photos.

Breaking News! Do You Know What Today Is?

I just received an email from the kn*t informing me that today is "Black Friday in July". I guess it's time to take advantage of the sales and finally invest in that name change kit I've been eyeing. Oh! and I can also buy bikini bags for my bridesmaids! And have them personalized.

For the record, I only signed up on the kn*t because they have a ridiculous amount of content available. When I was looking for advice on etiquette for divorced families at weddings, they had a lot of links for me to click. Many of them were worthless, but at least it was a starting place. They also have fairly good local vendor directories for obscure locations and lots and lots of pictures of dresses and hairstyles, which can be helpful.

However, the constant barrage of "YOU MUST BUY THIS NOW" e-mails that have been flooding my inbox is ridiculous, especially since the stuff offered is total cheap-o crap. And picking a random Friday in July and calling it "black friday" is just too much. As if one crazy psychotic consumer holiday wasn't enough. ugh. gross.

A Case for "Traditional"* Weddings

There is an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie & co. are Sunday brunching and Carrie discovers Big and Natasha’s wedding announcement in the “Single Woman’s Sports Section” of the NY Times. When Carrie first begins to read, she brushes it off. “Nothing in there sounds like Big. It’s all her..” Until she hears that a saxophone played When a Man Loves a Woman as they walked down the aisle. She promptly loses it (with the kind of desperate dignity that only Carrie Bradshaw can), because that’s the moment that the Times reporter describes that really reminds her of Big, and who he is.

I can say with 100% confidence that our wedding announcement will never appear in the Grey Lady, and I’m even more certain that, if it did, no one would be weeping over the fact that the Grige or I am off the market during a delightful looking Sunday brunch. However, the scene has sort of haunted me through wedding planning. Mostly because I wonder what about our wedding will make my guests think:  “Oh! That’s so ‘Emily’”.

Probably nothing. I mean, let’s be honest. How many of us actually find decent ways to express our personalities through details at our weddings? And even if we did, who would get it besides us? None of my guests are going to set there and think “awwwww this quirky 80’s song by David Byrn that they are walking down the aisle to is so totally Emily!” They’re going to think: “what on earth possessed them to choose such a weird song? I wonder if the person with the iPod is pulling our legs…”

 A wedding is supposed to be a fairly universal right of passage, so homogeneity should be part of the deal, right? “My special day”, my ass. That’s what makes it a wedding, and that’s what guides people to understand what you’re trying to signify by doing it at all. If a tree falls in the woods and only the Grige and I are there to hear it…….. You get the idea. We’ve seen trees fall in the woods. And we both watched the Grige hand me this pretty ring half-way down an empty ski run. And if we did my version of a perfect wedding, it wouldn’t be that different from those events. In fact, it would probably take place on a fallen tree in the woods near a ski run and there would only be a handful of people there to hear it. What’s more, most of those people would have already know how committed the Grige and I are. We don’t’ need to declare anything to them. They’ve seen us snark at each other, and comfort each other, and blame each other, and forgive each other. They’re the people who will be standing right up next to us when we say our vows, supporting our relationship with their presence for all the world to see, the way they always have.

Trees fell, the world turned, the view was amazing...

So why am I so obsessed with my individuality and my privacy when it comes to this wedding thing. It’s clearly a social construct designed to show our community, in a way they will easily recognize, that the Grige and I are becoming a family. We deliberately chose not to elope because we wanted to share our love with our community in a meaningful way, which meant throwing a rather large and scary feeling wedding. But we will be up there, doing the same things that millions of other couples do: galavanting in a white dress, exchanging rings, saying time-worn vows….

I think it’s probably the millennial thing. If there are two things that people my age are obsessed with, it’s individuality and privacy. We live online double lives with our blogs and facebooks and twitters, constantly “brand managing” ourselves into identifiable boxes through writing and photography and consumption of goods. At the same time we assert that we are so different from everyone else. We must shout our very important individual-ness from the internet mountaintops. And we are different, and that is good, but it is not really what a wedding is about.

Woods.
Photo: Chad Fisk

At the same time, we vehemently defend our right to re-claim our privacy at any given moment. To live public lives on the internet and then suddenly pull back – “you shall not see my honeymoon pictures” and “our wedding will be a private affair that will masquerade as a birthday party until the last possible moment”. Not that we aren’t entitled, but it’s a little confusing that I would be so willing to write about my wedding experience to a faceless internet audience on this blog, but hulk out whenever my mom wants to invite someone I don’t know well.

I think the difference is that I don’t really want to brand my our wedding. I’m going be a very human person that day, and it feels vulnerable. So I try to loose myself in details that will remind everyone constantly of how special and well branded and individual we are as a couple. Even though the whole point of the day is something that is such a common and shared experience that it almost seems too sacred to pepper with “individuality”. It’s not about me. It almost makes me think that cotillions and coming out parties should be more common, so that we can all just express ourselves already and let weddings be about the features that hold common meaning for our community.

Instant Anonymity..

I’m not suggesting that there isn’t more than one way to skin a cat. People have wonderful, unique weddings that work for them all the time. What I’m suggesting is that a wedding will always be unique to the two people getting married, and that a wedding will almost always hold some key, recognizable maybe even (gasp, clutches indie beaded necklace) generic features that make people of all ages point and say “hey! look! a wedding!”. Some people are crafty, and design-minded and enjoy visual stuff. I might even be marrying one of them, but no one is going to look at those leaf punch cut-outs and think “oh, Emily (sniff sniff sniff)”. They’re going to think that when I show up in a white dress and do all the “traditional” crap they expect me to do. You know, the stuff that they did too. Duh.

So I am going to stop trying to convince myself that the color scheme and cake flavor will tell people something about how different and interesting we are. The song I walk down the aisle is not going to fill their eyes with tears. They weren’t there that first fall we were together. The fact is that people don’t want to know how you are different from them. They want to know how you are the same.

* By Traditional, I don't mean that you have to spend a gazillion dollars and have all the things, I mean that you are probably going to wear a fancy dress/pantsuit/tie/whatever, exchange rings, make some promises, sign some stuff, and take some posed photos.

Bridal Gowns, Weddings and Body Image Revisited



It’s a good thing that I had such a good long run this weekend, because there were definitely some big confidence hits as well. We've discussed body image and wedding gowns before. I guess this is the scary side...

Friday began at 3:30 am after a fairly sleepless night. Does anyone else get nervous and have trouble sleeping before travelling? I do. Especially before flying. I had no problem making my 6:00 am flight to Chicago, where I got whammied with an epic delay. Normally, I’m pretty good at rolling with the punches, but I had optimistically scheduled my bridal gown fitting for less than 2 hours after I was originally scheduled to land and then packed the rest of the day with back-to-back appointments for makeup and hair trials. I made it, but missed my opportunity to go home and pull myself together.

Before I continue, just let me say that what I described above is a horrible idea. One should never put that many aspects of their personal appearance up to scrutiny in one day, and certainly not right after a 3:30 am wakeup call and eight hours of airports and airplanes. It’s a miserable experience and no one should do it. Ever. I’m serious. Also, never fly through O’Hare if you can avoid it. The place is death to your schedule.

So I got off the plane and hopped in the car for 45 minutes with my Mom, who was chipper and brought food, which helped. We arrived about 30 minutes early for the fitting, and I promptly showed my lack of sleep by making back-to-back bad decisions

Oh, Oberon... Why did I let your crisp beckon derail me?

       1.       I stupidly suggested we wait next door at a restaurant and grab a beer

2.       When we returned and the bride ahead of me was running late, I agreed to have my fitting in the un-air-conditioned, stuffy back room with only one mirror.

MISTAKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! ROOKIE MISTAKESSSSSSSSS!

What followed can only be described as emotionally overwrought and hellacious. I stood there dripping sweat becoming increasingly horrified at how hot, heavy, tight, too-short and overwhelmingly uncomfortable and unflattering the dress was and tried desperately to keep it together while my mom wept over how beautiful I looked and snapped photos with my phone’s camera.

I’m not exactly a boss at standing up for myself, and I completely let this experience get away from me. So please, learn from my mistakes. I went along with everything the seamstress told me, and allowed the major concerns I was having to either go unmentioned or be brushed aside by the seamstress and consultant (both of whom were really nice, just not picking up on my nearly un-detectable clues that I was not happy). I now have a great deal of respect for the ladies on Say Yes to the Dress who cry and stomp and holler in the fitting rooms of Kleinfeld’s until their dresses look exactly the way they want them. Watch them. Learn from them. You don’t have to be rude, but you do have to be pointed. This is your wedding dress. And Double E, meek and mild, has been crying herself to sleep for a week and banned bread and cheese in her home. Don’t do what I’m doing. Say something. Loudly. And if they tell you it can’t be let out in the hips, tell them to try harder, because you’re not going to make it to the alter without bourbon and pepper jack cheese. Those guys are practically your bridesmaids. Repeat after me: change your dress, not your body.

Photo: Kleinfeld's Website
Also, this lucky bitch doesn't look like she needs to change her dress OR her body. Oh media, why must you TAUNT me??

I’m sure you can now imagine the state I was in – exhausted, disappointed, filled with self-loathing that only the combination of sticky sweat and skin-tight chiffon can elicit – and there I was telling everyone how much I loved it and how happy I was and hopping in the car for my makeup appointment….

Here, zero makeup

Makeup is wonderful stuff. I don’t wear a lot of it normally, because I never really thought I needed to. I have never been self-conscious about my face. And yes, I know how lucky I am to feel that way.  However, the (again, VERY NICE, just kind of clueless) woman who did my makeup found more wrong with me in 10 minutes than I’ve been able to detect in my whole life. I told her very specifically that I don’t wear much makeup and just wanted to look “fresh” on my wedding day. I thought she would slap some blush and a pretty eye shadow on me and call it good. Oh, how wrong I was. 45 minutes later, I looked fantastic. However, I also had a list of the gazillion things that were “wrong” with my looks running through my head to join the cacophony of shame leftover from the dress fitting: “bushy eyebrows, no cheekbones, circles so dark they actually need two colors to be successfully hidden…” on and on the list went.

So here - "lots" of makeup (for me). See a difference from the pic above? I don't....

To my great credit, I kept it totally together until we were half way to the hairdresser’s house before I tested just how water-proof the mascara actually was. It’s safe to say that I’ll survive my wedding day without any mascara running, but I will need to blend in the tear-tracks through my blush.

The hair trial was definitely the least brutal of the appointments. My stylist has been doing my hair since I could walk and has created every gorgeous up-do I’ve ever worn for me. She is a genius, and a storyteller, and always makes you feel good. So I can state with 100% confidence that this is not her fault…. As we’re fiddling with a way to balance my hair and long face with my grandmother’s beautiful lace pillbox hat that I’ll be sporting for the wedding, she announces “girlfriend, we’re going to have to get you some more hair”. And she’s right. My hair is thin, and to pull of that hat, I’m going to need more of it. So she told me to buy a 10” ponytail and bring it in to add to my locks. It will look fantastic.

So now I am spending my lunch hour avoiding food, so that I can feel good in that stupid dress and searching amazon.com for 10 inches of someone else’s hair with the dark circles under my eyes clearly exposed because I could not afford two colors of concealer on top of all the other corrective paint I had to buy. And I am the girl who went into this thing totally accepting that I would not look “the best I’ve ever looked” at my wedding, and that I just wanted to look and feel like myself while I said vows of forever to the Grige. That tight, heavy, beautiful dress, 10 pounds of makeup and someone else’s hair are making me feel more detached from the person I am when I’m running, or reading, or curled up in bed next to the Grige than I ever have before. I wish we had eloped. But maybe this is why we have weddings? To force me to confront expectations and figure out what makes me who I am and how to show it? Well, it’s hard, anyhow. Hopefully I’ll be able to answer that question better on August 11.

Lights.... Curtain.... SHOW!

I'm a bit bitter about the similarties between throwing a wedding and putting on a theatrical production. It's not that I don't love theatre, because I do. It's the fact that, for me, this wedding has felt so much less authentic than I want it to be. Somewhere in between being a meticulous planner, a people-pleaser and having an out-of-control guest list, I've completely lost track of the Grige and myself.

Maybe it would be better to lose track of us... We're odd.
Photo: Megan Shiley

I shouldn't be complaining: "Oh, poor ME! So many people love me and want to attend our wedding! My life is so horrible!". I'm thrilled that so many people want to be there for me, for my parents, and to meet the Grige. When I look at the list, I can't think of a single person who I would cut. But the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. Somehow, this group of individuals who I know and love has turned into an audience that I must impress. And that, is a horrible feeling.

My parents come from a small town. They've lived there all of my life, and for the 10 years they were married before they had me. They have an amazingly kind, interesting, wonderful and ENORMOUS group of friends. They've been my mentors, my teachers and my friends for my whole life. However, given the nature of small towns to be on the gossip-y and competitive side, I've been bombarded with advice on how to impress everyone and how to take the best from every wedding this group has ever been to.

We're not the world's most impressive bunch, but boy are we happy!
Photo: Tom Zych

It's all made me feel like my mantra, "this is just a party to support and celebrate the commitment of two people who love each other", is a bit quaint. It's to the point where I wonder if people who will be receiving our painstakingly designed and beautifully letterpressed invitations in a few short weeks will even be thinking about the Grige and I when they open them. Or will they be thinking about what kind favors we'll give? Or why we didn't offer chicken? Or, god forbid, how much did these fancy invites cost???

It's like the playbill is out, and everyone is sitting in the theatre wondering if the players are up to their tasks. Wondering if the set will be realistic, if the script will make them cry, if the tickets were worth it, how long will the show run?

And for me, the person trying to write the ceremony script - to pick readings that will be meaningful to us, but relatable to other people; to pick music that we like but that makes sense at a wedding; to meaningfullly incorporate our values and visions for our marriage without ending up feeling too exposed or vulnerable in front of so many critics - I mean guests.... Well, it's kind of a lot of pressure.

Something relaxing - to relieve the pressure...
Photo: Evan Quasney

And frankly, it's pressure I didn't sign on for. I am an extremely sensitive introvert. I do not like large groups of people and I do not like exposing my work publicly for criticism. In fact, it's kind of a miracle I have a blog at all. All I wanted was to marry the Grige, and to make as many people happy as possible in the process, which inherently meant a big wedding.

I'm left feeling like I'd like to have a banner with a disclaimer made to hang over our ceremony site to remind people that they are witnessing an authentic commitment, and not a performance. There may be a script, and it may be a big party, but the real reason for a wedding is to celebrate love and support two people as they start their lives together. I wish I could shake the feeling that I need to remind people of that.

ACTION! The show must go on.
Photo: Jeanine Finch

It Is What It Is - On Bridal Attire and Loving Your Body

I have seen so many pictures of perfect brides. I actually didn’t realize that it was getting to me until people started asking me why I wasn’t more excited to get a dress. I really, really wanted to wear my grandmother’s wedding dress. My mom wore it too, and I just loved the idea of continuing that tradition. Unfortunately, the dress has seen better days, and apparently so has my weight. It didn’t button, which is kind of a relief, because if it had, it would have looked pretty frumpy.

And then I found the wedding blogs. I discovered all the pretty pictures of beautiful weddings where every bride looked so stunning it was hard to look straight at them. So I put off making dress appointments. I figured I would just wait until I lost some weight and felt a little more comfortable with being the center of attention for an entire day. So I didn’t look at dresses too much, and just tried to focus on losing the weight.

Honestly, I didn't really want to leave the "engagement phase", because it looked like this.
Which is to say very happy and wearing sweatpants.

On a visit home, my mom finally hustled me into a bridal appointment. I had the small store all to myself with two kind sales girls and I couldn’t have been more surprised to learn lesson number one (of three) about bridal gowns and self-image.

Lesson Number One – Designers make money by making you look (and feel) amazing

Wedding dresses are the most flattering pieces of attire that will ever grace your hips. Seriously. I very very very much regret the energy I spent worrying about losing weight, because these dresses are designed to make a woman’s body look fantastic. Until I entered the store, I’d only seen these dresses on bone thin models, so it didn’t occur to me that they might actually look good on normal people too. The regular rules do not apply in bridal land, because these dresses actually look better on real life women with a little meat on their bones. I do plenty of hating on the bridal industry, but trying on dresses convinced me, without a shadow of a doubt, that there are designers out there who care about (and study) women’s bodies and work hard to make a wide variety of dresses that will flatter them. In my experience, a great deal of these dresses were actually under $1000 as well.

So, I’m sorry, indie blog world. I enjoyed shopping for a dress at a regular bridal boutique. The sales staff was nice and down to earth and all the dresses were within a reasonable price range (no “surprise! Now that you love it, I can tell you that it is $30,000!).  Furthermore, many women complain about the fact that there are only strapless wedding dresses available. In the same breath, they complain about having to custom order a dress instead of buying “off the rack”. Here’s the thing: Strapless dresses are much easier to design (and alter) than dresses with straps, because women’s sizes differ so much. The wild thing about it, is that when you custom order a dress (which is the way they want you to do it), it’s very easy for the designer (or your seamstress) to add straps that will fit you exactly. Sometimes they even use scraps from your hem, which makes them virtually free. So seriously, stop complaining. I don’t know what boutique you went to, but I don’t think you looked hard enough to condemn the whole industry.

After I found my dress and learned lesson number one, I went back with a closer eye to those “perfect brides”. I was surprised to notice (after very close scrutiny) that they were not, in fact, skinny models, but real women who happened to be wearing flattering dresses. It didn’t seem like enough to account for how amazing they all looked. So I began to ponder. Finally, I stumbled upon lesson number two…

Lesson Number Two: Those women look amazing because they are happy. Because they are getting married.

Right? Duh. Happiness makes you look good. Especially when you have a professional photographer to photograph and edit your happiness. So I can’t imagine how I could possibly look bad on my wedding day. I have a flattering dress, and I am insanely happy to be marrying the Grige. Done and done, no diet or makeup required.

Three cheers for getting married!

So after all that, you would think that I wouldn’t be worried at all about my appearance. Sadly, I still have nightmares about forgetting my makeup. I worry that my awesome 40’s wedding hat will make me look like a cone-head. I’m afraid I’ll get a zit or that my arms will look flabby. Even once I was able to step away from the idea that I had to look like a model, I still wanted to look like the best version of myself. I wanted to weigh what I weighed in High School, I wanted to have the clear skin I had before work stressed me into acne and eczema, I wanted to have the toned arms I have when I fit yoga in every day and the long hair I had 2 years ago. I convinced myself that it was okay to judge myself against those standards because I’d had those things before. All I wanted was to be the best version of myself that I could imagine – was that so bad? It was. And as we approach the wedding, I’m finally getting a grip on lesson number three….

Lesson Number Three: You can only be who you are on your wedding day. Learn to love that person.

On the day I get married, I just want to be happy. Planning a wedding (and moving across the country) is stressful. I might miss yoga a few days a week. I might miss a few runs too.  I might not have time to cook healthy food. I probably won’t have time to get a tan, and I won’t be able to afford hair extensions. I definitely won’t be able to get botox injected into my armpits to stop me from sweating outside in August. The stress of all these things might make me break out. But you know what? That’s the person I’ll be on the day I get married. The Grige loves that person and wants to marry her. I always try to eat well and exercise frequently and manage my stress, but in the middle of wedding planning is not the ideal time to step all of that effort up, because you have other things to worry about. Like guest lists, and feeding hundreds of people, and whether or not your grandmother feels included.

So when the Grige and I say “I do”, I’ll be myself in a flattering dress that is hopefully not destroyed by tan lines. It probably won’t be the best I’ve ever looked in my life, but I bet you won’t be able to tell. I’ll be that happy.

Yep, this happy.
Photo: Jeanine Finch

A Small Identity Crisis

As part of our pre-marriage counseling, the Grige and I took the Myers-Briggs test and discussed our types and how they impact our communication with our counselor. The Grige and I have taken M-B before (or at least the free online versions) and I always come out as an INFJ. Well, this time, my results indicated that I was an ISFJ. This makes a lot of sense – “N” indicates “intuitive”. Intuitive people like abstract concepts and don’t always operate well with schedule or reality. They’re dreamers and innovators and forward thinkers and they never do things the same way twice.  “S”, on the other hand, indicates “sensing”. Sensing people are careful observers, calculators and have a love of the concrete. Given my addiction to spreadsheets and schedules, it’s not surprising that I’m an “S”. The Grige is and always has been an ENTP (for those of you whose alphabet skills are sharp, you’ll notice that we’re opposites in EVERY CATEGORY). This will make for a very “exciting” marriage, but more on that later.

I didn’t think too much about researching my “new” personality type until last weekend. It sounded like me, so I wasn’t too worried. Since I’m in the process of grudgingly applying for jobs in STL, I thought it might be a smart idea to read up on the characteristics of my type and see what kind of jobs I might be well suited for. Boy was I shocked. I’m not even going to talk about the job recommendations, because I’m still trying to wrap my head around them.

I can describe the feeling I felt while looking at the rest of the description and list of famous people who are ISFJs as similar to what I felt when the sorting hat app on facebook kept putting me in f*cking Hufflepuff house.  I get it – loyalty, friendship, whatever. It’s basically just another word for frumpy in my dictionary. My apologies to Cedric Diggory. Two from the list that stuck out initially are Porky pig and President William Taft. That’s right folks! I can now compare myself to an animated pig and the president who got stuck in the bathtub due to his portly size. O.J. Simpson is on there too. Awesome.

I try to think of it more like the Honey Badger.....

I always love the personality comparisons with Shakespeare characters because the bard’s characters are so richly developed. It is fun to re-read the plays and examine their behavior, especially since the circumstances are so extreme. It really gives you a great idea picture of the actual functions of these traits. Unfortunately, ISFJs in Shakespeare provide little inspiration. In fact, I think they might be my three most hated characters ever: Bianca from The Taming of the Shrew, Hero from Much Ado About Nothing, and Ophelia from Hamlet.

Seriously? UGH. My inner feminist just threw up. While not evil, these ladies are pretty much useless except for plot development. They are your typical damsels in distress, and I’ve always seen them as literary tools to provide a lame-o backdrop for stronger female characters like Katherina in Taming and Beatrice in Much Ado.

In Much Ado, Benedick sums up my opinions of Hero perfectly: “Why, i' faith, methinks she's too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little for a great praise: only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I do not like her.” In other words, she’s not really worth noting – dry, white toast at its’ finest. She doesn’t do much except get woo’d by a war hero and faint at the appropriate moments.  Even her lover, Claudio, can’t offer higher praise than “she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on”. So there’s a plus. She’s sweet and she’s pretty and she’s chaste (though she doesn’t put up much of an argument when her chastity is questioned. She lets others do that for her).

A Lovely still from the film adaption featuring DENZEL as Don Pedro! In case you are able to tear your eyes away from him, Hero is the cranky looking one with dark hair.

Thankfully, Bianca from The Taming, has a little more sauce. She’s boy –crazy, coquettish and manipulative. However, She does manage to actually take action for herself, unlike helpless hero, when she elopes. While manipulation is really the only tool Bianca would have had to assert herself in the period, I think Katherina’s agency is more appealing. She’s stubborn, unconventional and honest.  When I try to imagine myself as an angry, conniving little social climber like Bianca, my skin sort of starts to crawl.

Maybe she's just whelmed?
Come on, you knew you were thinking it too....

And then there is Ophelia. Hamlet is not my strongest play, so you’ll have to bear with me on the analysis. It’s my first impression that Ophelia is just another fainter, static and one-dimensional, though her psychosis is a bit more intriguing. Shakespeare uses her as a tool to emphasize Hamlet’s reactions to all women, and to create some pathos, since she’s so representative of innocence.  Ophelia is extremely frail and totally incapable of coping with the events around her, which are admittedly pretty tragic. At her best, she’s just a canvas of goodness for the world to paint evil on. She does not attempt to adapt or fight back. Not a great way to live, if you ask me.

So my project for the next week or so will be to re-read these plays, perhaps watch the movie adaptions (if I can get the Grige to relinquish the remote for long enough) and try to find something I can relate to in Shakespeare’s lovely ladies. Stay tuned for the flip side. Hopefully….

 EE

Wedding Planning - 4 months out

The wedding is definitely creep creep creeping up on us. It feels like our to-do list is pretty never-ending. I’ve learned a ton about our relationship though. Someone wise once told me abouthow in many relationships, one person is the CEO and the other is the CFO. I think I’ve finally nailed down our relationship – I am the CEO, the CFO and the janitorial staff. The Grige is the art director, the chef and the stress management counselor. The stress management position is actually a job share with a great guy named Johnny Walker, but they make an excellent team. Thankfully, between the Grige and my mom, we have beaten my “I must do everything myself” syndrome into submission and I still think we are reasonably on track to have a successful wedding. When I say successful wedding I simply mean that we will be married at the end of the day and there will be food, drink, and invitations to alert guests of the time and date. Low expectations are the key to success. Please note: low expectations are not the same as low standards.

Us, Happy.

My biggest gripe is the fact that I spent hours – nay – tens of hours, working diligently on our website. I wanted to make sure that the answers to all the questions could be found quickly and easily in one place. I also brayed incessantly in multi-colored and bolded text about how important it would be to book hotels early (not surprisingly, I am having this EXACT SAME ISSUE with the event I’m planning at work, but more on that later…). I guess I should have defined “early” more clearly, because at least 5 area hotels are already sold out for our dates, and many important guests are still not booked.

Now, I know I can’t make people do anything. I constantly remind myself that this is not my problem. But, But! I made it so easy! And when I get panicked phone calls about what hotel to book, what airport to fly in to and “why is everything there so EXPENSIVE???”, I want to scream profanity that only the daughter of a serious sailor would know. The craziest part? The people who keep pretending the website doesn’t exist (even though it’s plastered in reminder emails and on the save-the-date) are the millenials! All the folks in my parent’s age bracket have raved about how helpful it is. All of the kids who grew up using Google to answer every question are like – huh? You have a website? So if you’re attending our wedding and you are reading this, please, I beg of you, just go to the website. I worked very hard on it so that I would not have to be worried about your travel plans when I have things like bunting, budgets and bridesmaids dresses to focus on.

This is not the face of an unstressed person. I am making this face NOW.

In addition to the wedding, I’m also planning a massive event at work – dinner for nearly 500 guests and 2 days of meetings. Thankfully, I’m not in charge of everything, but I’m in charge of enough to make me never ever ever want to see an event timing spreadsheet or RSVP card ever again. I never thought I could be sick of excel, but I definitely am.  As an addendum to my earlier post on wedding planning as project management experience - I am never mentioning my event planning skills at work again. Doing this event and the wedding at the same time SUCKS. I keep having nightmares about where I will seat the firm chairman at our wedding reception.

And also, MOVING

Yep, I’m still pissed about it. But at least I’ve given notice and started pricing boxes and trucks. Has anyone out there ever used pod movers before?

What to WEAR!?

So I've been stressing a bit about what to wear to our rehearsal dinner. It's like the wedding dress part was so painless that I feel the need to stress myself out about another piece of clothing that I'll probably only wear once.

I'm usually a bit skeptical (to use a nice word) about Victoria's Secret, mostly because their models perpetuate impossible standards for beauty that I don't like being reminded I'll never fit. However, they know how to cut a dress for a woman's body. Everything piece of clothing I've ever bought from them has been well-made, relatively (hello, J.crew!) inexpensive and has made my body look FANTASTIC. This cannot have been easy for them, because I am flat-chested and look perpetually 3 months preggo (thanks for the genes, Mom!). However, if you haven't given them a try, order a few dresses for this summer/spring. They're great to wear out because they are machine washable and very comfortable, usually with an excellent built-in bra.

So back to the task at hand - a rehearsal dinner dress. What do we think of this?

Photo: Victoria's Secret
http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265748336949&c=Page&cid=1329190976476&pagename=vsdWrapper

I'll be awaiting reactions...

About Those Lovely Engagment Photos I Keep Using....

Check out my very talented cousin Jeanine Finch over on Wordpress. She's a budding photographer in the D.C. area and I can't say enough about her ability to make you relax while she's pointing a camera at you. Her photos speak for themselves.

Did I mention that using a photography student for things like engagement photos or family portraits can be a great way to get some amazing photos, help a student build their portfolio and save some $$?

Cheers,
Double E

Wedding Planning as Project Management Experience

I mentioned in an earlier post that one of the reasons I blog is because it’s a good way to hone my writing skills, because I want to write and I’m not getting trained to do it better at work. I think it’s easy to forget that your job isn’t the only place you can do professional development.  In fact, the experiences you have outside of work are probably much more valuable because they give you more responsibility and are more tailored to your interests.

Oh, you like to backpack? All signs point to organized, resourceful and low maintenance.

A wedding is probably the biggest and most personal project that many of us has ever managed, and it would be foolish to pretend that it’s not a huge learning experience. However, there are very few wedding resources out there that actually admit that you should approach your wedding like a work project (APW and Lowe House Events, thanks for the spreadsheets!). Think about it: when you are planning a project for work and something pushes you over budget, you take a step back and trim the fat until you are within budget again. You don’t cry over the lack of glossy handouts, and nobody ever notices their absence. This is true for your wedding as well.

When I think about “wedding planning” (and when I mention it to people who have not been through it), the general idea seems to be that I’m spending time thinking about creative, pretty things, arguing about the guest list and shopping for dresses. My Mom laughed at me when I sent her my meticulously timed schedule of events which included when everyone would need to be dressed and what time cars would depart from which locations. She will not be laughing on our wedding day. She will be thanking me.

We didn't just pick those bouquets on our way to the ceremony....

Nobody talks about logistical coordination, scheduling, creating databases to track all the different showers, rehearsals, parties, gifts, guests and vendors. All the pretty wedding blogs fail to mention that you will need to be able to manage and motivate an unpaid workforce of people who love you in addition to a paid workforce of vendors who aren’t used to working together. You will manage a budget and you will make hard decisions. You’ll have to plan an entire day in 10 minute intervals, arrange for cues for musicians and speakers, and make sure that potentially hundreds of people all receive the information they need to attend on time.  Oh, and by the way, you have to communicate and delegate every part of your plan effectively because you won’t be able to do ANY of it, because everyone will be staring at you in your pretty white dress with which you cannot wear a watch.

What shocks me is that this fact hasn’t yet translated into a widespread belief that women who have successfully planned weddings have great management and coordination skills paired with strong attention to detail. Why are we not talking about the amazing job we did planning, managing and executing our weddings in interviews? Why are we not bringing those spreadsheets and idea boards to work and saying “this is the kind of effort I’m capable of if you only give me a chance with this project”?  Why does it seem so awkward when I think about walking into my boss’ office and saying “why don’t you let me try balancing the budget this month. I just planned a wedding for 200 people on X amount of dollars and I think I gained the skills I need”.

Sailing, like other team sports, requires good delegation skills. Example: "Hey you! Hold my boat!"
I know, I'm stretching with the pictures here....

It’s a problem that women (and men) aren’t able to take their valuable experiences outside the office (like wedding planning, child-rearing, budgeting for student loans etc..) and turn them into promotions and pay raises. We need to talk about our blogs when employers ask about our writing experience and we need to talk about wedding planning when employers ask about our management skills. We especially need to talk about time management and child-rearing, because moms who have been at home managing their families for a few years while their children are young are having way too hard of a time getting credit for those skills when they re-enter the workforce.

Paying attention to these skills is important for businesses and firms that are hiring as well. My biggest strengths are communication (written and oral), organization, and managing information. The best way to find that out is to look at the things I enjoy (and do well) outside of work. Employers will miss out on great employees, especially diverse employees, if they only measure experience by things you did to earn a paycheck.

Musical performance experience = good public composure and comfortable in front of a crowd.

So I put it to you – what would you say if someone walked into your office and told you they were a great candidate for a job and cited the fantastic job they did planning and managing their wedding?

Double E

My Vow to Our Wedding

At this moment, I am staring at a stack of the first wave of save-the-dates and fighting the urge to call the Grige and ask if he’s sure I should send them today.

They’re all neatly addressed in my handwriting, with directions to our wedding website and covered in beautiful hand-drawings by the Grige. I think I want his permission because putting those suckers in the mail is a big flipping deal. Perhaps I’ve watched too many sitcoms where the groom stands paralyzed before the mailbox pondering how his life is about to change. Commitment issues are not strangers in our relationship, but it’s never to each other that we struggle to commit. I’m paralyzed over committing to the wedding we are going to have.

I would like to be this happy on our wedding day

I’m only planning to have one wedding, and if there is one unifying factor between the literature on budget weddings and the wedding industrial complex is the obsession with individuality. No matter where I look, I’m being bombarded with quirky, sweet and crafty touches that utterly represent who the couple is. A lot of that is good marketing paired with the advantage of the rear-view mirror as couples leave their weddings behind. But from this end, looking down the tunnel at a very vague idea of what the day will be, it’s very hard to see it all coming together. I’m feeling the pressure big-time to make everything more personalized, more handmade, more “us”.

"Us"
The Grige being artsy with a camera, Me jumping around like an idiot.

When I run back through the decisions we’ve made so far and really break down our reasoning, I don’t think I’d change anything. We made the best choices we could, based on the resources and circumstances that we’re working with. But I still end up looking at the wedding “product” (so far) and thinking “huh. How the hell did we get here?” The answer is simple: a compromise here, a little bending of my formerly strict boundaries there… add about 100 more people than we planned on and a discovery of my inability to coordinate too many moving pieces from afar and voila! All those little changes turned into something I barely recognize.

Photo: Jeanine Finch

I will put those save-the-date cards in the mail today, and when I do, the focus is going to have to shift from questioning my decisions all the time to actually making things happen.  Because that is what commitment is: acknowledging differences and imperfections, making a monumental and firm decision to accept them anyway, and plowing ahead with determination unparalleled to make it the best damn decision you’ve ever made. That, my friends, is how planning a wedding helps prepare you for marriage. Dropping those save-the-dates in the mail will be my vow to our wedding. I don’t like you right now, but I will love you always, because yours is the day I will marry the Grige.

Other People's Weddings and You Can't Spray Roundup on Jesus

When you are a young professional, you live in dread of the friendly mass-facebook-message: "Hi guys – Please send me your current address!! Xoxo, your random old sorority sister/friend/roommate/3rd cousin twice removed". Now you are frantically checking the balance of your bank accounts and your credit card limit before you decide whether or not to pretend you've moved to Guam while you wonder how the hell you ended up on the guest list.

Before you call me a wedding-hater or something equally heartless, let me say that there is NOTHING better than attending the wedding of two people you love. I have been to lots of those weddings and I cried at every single one. I've caught bouquets, I've crafted place-cards, I've done readings and I was even a 23-year-old flower girl.

However, dropping more than an entire paycheck on a wedding between an acquaintance and a stranger  out of obligation – is the WORST. I have been to a lot of those weddings, and I've cried at them too, but mainly because of the mint.com low balance reminders that kept popping up in my email.

Well, you can't spray Roundup on Jesus, and once that facebook message shows up, you can't spray Roundup on this random pseudo-friend's wedding either.

Sooner or later there will be a brightly designed "save-the-date" in your actual, physical mailbox and by then, even the pruning shears will be useless. Before you start clicking through airfares and the registry with an impending sense of financial doom, here are some things to think about:

·        Did you know that it's perfectly acceptable to not attend a wedding? That's right – you can say "no". This is why people send RSVP cards with options instead of a militiaman with a rifle. You should still send a gift, but no one is going to come after you with a pitchfork for spending less than $50.00. No one understands financial woes better than people who are planning a wedding. This is especially appropriate if your only contact with the bride or groom over the last six months has been that silly facebook address exchange.

·        I would never suggest that you put a dollar figure on your friendships, but it can be useful to think about who else will be at this wedding. If you don't know the bride and groom that well (or if you are no longer close), the "reunion" factor can make all the difference. Could you increase the "bang for your buck" on this wedding by seeing friends/family from far away then instead of doing a long distance trip to see them later? Better yet, could you also go splitsies on a hotel room with them? Whatever you need to do to keep yourself from crying over mint.com updates – if you're going to drop the cash, you should be having fun.

·        You don't have to spend it all at once. While the end figure is still the same (HIGH), you can pay for the flight one month, the hotel another, and the gift up to one year after the wedding. This can take the pressure off a bit and allow you to plan and prepare – secret #1 to financial happiness in my book. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to sell you something.

·        Your Partner who doesn't know these people DOES NOT want to go to this wedding. They do not want to split the hotel room and gift and they definitely do not want to pay for a plane ticket to get there. If you don't want to pay for them, don't push the issue. Receiving an invitation with a +1 is nice, but again, there is not a shot-gun pointed at your head. Going stag can be fun, and in most of the scenarios I've been in, it's also cheaper (for you, and for your soon-to-be-wed friends).

Before I wrap up, I'd like to say a final word on the invitation of obligation. If you made it on to an invite list and think that you might not be wanted at the wedding, think again. If they invited you (which means spending a fair chunk of their own change on you), they are prepared for you to attend. Period. If you don't want spend over a month's rent on these two people – good for you, be not ashamed. But please don't pretend that it's because they didn't really want you to attend. It is because you don't really want to attend, and that is just fine.

Spendwell, my thrifty friends. Enjoy what remains of wedding season!

Double E