A Few Words From the Bathtub on Marriage and Independence

I write this from the bathtub, where I am sitting, with my shoes on, listening to tornado sirens wail. If you take one thing away from this post, let it be this:

Rule #1 of home disaster preparedness is PUT YOUR DAMN SHOES ON. When it's too late to buy extra water and food, make a family disaster plan, or any of those other things that are so important, please please PLEASE put shoes on yourself and your family. Imagine trying to climb out of a house with a blown off roof and covered in debris (Or run from a zombie) without shoes, and you will see what I mean.

Safety First.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

One of the things I was most worried about before the Grige and I got married was losing my independence. I was worried that there was a "Single Emily" that I would never get to know, or that being half of a marriage would mean that I was no longer a whole person. Most of all, I think I was/am afraid of not knowing how to be alone. In retrospect, you would think he had proposed that we become conjoined twins instead of getting married.

Well let me tell you (alone from the bathtub in the middle of a tornado), this first year of marriage has been a freaking crash course in "aloneness". I'm pretty sure I get my advanced certification after tonight. Perhaps you think I'm being dramatic, and maybe I am. But I was deeply afraid that marrying young would leave me unprepared for moments like this. And here I am, alone, in the candle-lit bathtub on the phone with my mom (WITH MY SHOES ON), and I will definitely survive.

INDEPENDENT MARRIED LADIES!

Quite the opposite, our new marriage has pushed me geographically, professionally, physically, mentally and emotionally. We moved to St. Louis, I faced down unemployment and accepted a new job where I'm pushed harder everyday, I ran a half marathon, sought out professional writing opportunities, and learned how to be alone in a new city (WHERE THEY HAVE TORNADOS) while my husband focuses on his graduate program. I also learned how to use power tools, haggle with mechanics and parallel park. Look out, world!

So I'm raising my tornado-bathtub glass of wine (yes, there is a wine bottle and a sippy cup in my tornado bag) to all the independent married ladies out there. Because marriage is not the same as being surgically attached, and sometimes marriage pushes us to more independence than our single selves could have imagined.

Race Recap Part II - Go! St. Louis Half Marathon - The FEELINGS

Running a half marathon has been on my life list for a while (try 5 years). I’ve failed in the attempt a number of times before this, so it’s not surprising that I have a lot of FEELINGS about my finish. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but my biggest struggle with running is definitely mental. As the Grige tells me constantly (and yelled at me during the race – highlighting the reason we no longer run together), “You can go FASTER than that! TRY HARDER!”. I finished my race strong, but I haven’t learned how to push myself to the limit yet. However, finishing was a huge confidence boost, and I believe that conquering a marathon will give me the push I need to start working on speed. So, the FEELINGS:

What Surprised me:

I was totally unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster that goes with preparing for a race. I was SO NERVOUS on Saturday that I could barely sleep. Watching UMich basketball (barely) beat Syracuse in the Final Four did not sooth my nerves (Longest 2 minutes of my life, seriously). But they won! So I went to bed happy. My nerves continued Sunday morning as we sat in traffic at the race exit.

During the race, I felt amazing – elated. I can’t believe how much I actually enjoyed running. There were tons of people, and even though I was hurting, I felt happy. I did not expect that AT ALL. The finish, especially, was really emotional for me. I sprinted my last mile, and plowing through that finish line was just overwhelming. I felt like I was going to cry (luckily, I didn’t). Honestly, the last time I felt that emotional was walking down the aisle at our wedding.

Finally, I was really worried that the fact that I wasn’t used to getting up early/running in the morning would hurt me. I don’t think it actually had any impact at all. I was so nervous that getting up was no problem and I felt fine while I was running. I’m glad to push that worry out of the way for marathon training, because running in the evenings has been working out really well for me schedule-wise.

What didn’t Surprise me:

The logistics of getting to big events on time are always a bit stressor for me, and I planned accordingly. The Grige drove me in so that I didn’t have much to worry about. But I’m one of those people who is always at the airport an hour before I need to be “just in case” and I’m still nauseous the whole time. Race morning was no exception, and I was a ball of nerves. As a result, I’ll be extra cautious about which races I sign up for moving forward. I think that travelling to a race will be nice, because I’ll be able to stay in a hotel close to the start, eliminating a lot of travel stress.

My pace was also no big surprise. I ran at the pace of my best training runs (not 1 minute/mile faster, as some training plans suggested I would be able to). In retrospect, I probably could have pushed it harder. However, I kept thinking about the fact that I’m running 15 miles this Saturday and how I didn’t want to be dead for that. Truthfully, this is just the half-way point in marathon training, and I’m happy to have logged a half marathon time that I can compete with in the coming years. However, I would be lying if I told you I thought I couldn’t do any better. I am stronger and faster than I think, and breaking those mental barriers is one of the great challenges of running for me.

What went wrong

My stomach totally went bonkers on me at mile 4, which meant losing 3 minutes (I timed it) to a port-a-potty stop. Annoying. I was also really sick for the rest of the day yesterday and have been on a liquid diet since the finish as a result. I ate my breakfast with lots of extra time and ate the BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Apples and Toast) diet starting 2 days before the race. I don’t think there’s anything else I could have done, but I’ll continue to try tweaking things. I may give immodium a try before my next long run, just to see if it helps.

Sunday was the warmest day we’ve had so far, and I paid the price for doing all of my training outdoors. Since I’m used to running in extremely cold weather, this is the first time I broke out most of my summer running gear (shorts and tank) this year. The result is some pretty nasty underarm chafing (ouch!), a sunburn, and GIANT blisters on my arches from sweat-related rubbing. Luckily, I didn’t notice any of this during the race except for the blisters. I could feel them forming by mile 5, and I could practically hear them squelching by mile 10. Ugh. I could barely walk to the car after the race. However, I’ve now pierced and drained them and I’m hopeful to be back on the road tomorrow. If not, I’ll be swimming my training this week.

What went right

My training plan helped me feel really prepared. There was never a moment where I worried if I would be able to finish or not, andknowing that I could do it really helped me relax and enjoy the race.

I decided at the last minute to run without my handheld water bottle. It was a good decision – I’m really glad I didn’t have to deal with carrying anything.

Training on hills really paid off! Some of my fastest splits were on the hilly portion of the course.

I can honestly say that I really enjoyed this run. It was fun to run with other people, I enjoyed seeing the spectators and I enjoyed being pushed by the challenge of “racing”. I felt happy and good pretty much the whole time!

On The Shattering of Illusions

A 1977 Princeton Alumna wrote a letter to the editor of the Princeton Daily about how the young ladies of Princeton should consider marrying young that is apparently twisting up the panties of twenty-something women everywhere.  Sadly, the letter was removed from Princeton’s website (apparently all those brilliant people can’t handle a little controversy? PUBLIC EDUCATION FTW) before I could read it, but I’ve read some mentions and some responses that are cropping up all over the web like daisies.  

I’ve got to admit – the responses are mostly so angry, petulant and self-absorbed that I can readily believe the women writing them are not mature enough for marriage – thus, the letter and its well-intentioned advice is probably not meant for them. What is frustrating, is that smart, young women are still so wrapped up in this myth of “having it all” that they don’t seem to realize that we’re still going to have to make sacrifices. The writer, Susan Patton, is using the benefit of her experience to remind them that the choices that shape our lives often take place long before we can understand their consequences. And instead of being thankful that someone is FINALLY telling driven, smart young women the truth about the choices we will have to make, we are FREAKING OUT and accusing her of pushing some mystical marriage agenda on us. As if that would somehow benefit her. As if. Ugh.

Photo: Summer Jean Photography

Here is the thing: the wage gap exists. Our biological clocks exist. Sexism exists. There are a billion good statistics out there about how women work harder than men both in the office and at home and still get paid less that I will let PenelopeTrunk tell you about because she is better at it than me. And it’s true – as time goes on, the pool of suitable men dwindles, because their priorities are different. Haven’t any of these girls seen Sex and the City? Am I just OLD and out of touch now? I can’t believe that the party line for these young women is to ignore all those inconvenient truths and get angry at anyone who reminds us of them. It’s like yelling at your doctor for telling you that exercising will improve your health.

And then there is this snarky zinger of an argument: "Girls who are still in school don't want to be defined by the person that they might end up marrying," made by Nina Bahadur in an article over at HuffPo, where she is an assistant editor. In addition to blind anger, her comments made me think of an open thread full of smart, married/engaged ladies over at A Practical Wedding earlier this week. The thread is titled “The Surprise Good” and the resonating theme is that marriage gives many of these women (myself heartily included) the support, confidence and empowerment to reach higher, accomplish more, take more risks and push themselves harder. The Grige doesn’t define me, he pushes me to be my best me. And that open thread suggests that a lot of other good marriages do that too. In my world, having a good career is directly intertwined with the support I get from my husband, even if I do his laundry and clean the bathroom.

In my life, stuff like this doesn't happen without the Grige. Because TEAMWORK, you guys. 

I don’t think Patton is suggesting that ALL women should get married in college, or that we should marry the first guy we drunkenly make out with as freshman. I think she is suggesting that if marriage is something you think you want someday, it would be dumb to miss the opportunity to meet, seriously date, and perhaps even marry one of the plethora of like-minded, smart people that are available to you in college, because it just gets harder after that. I should know, I gave out my real, actual phone number on a rush hour train full of skeezy dudes to score a first date with the Grige. If that’s not desperation, I don’t know what is.

Patton is suggesting that we not all bury our heads in the sand and pretend that the perfect person will just show up on a white horse when we’re in our early thirties and totally ready for marriage. Many of us (myself included) will meet the right guy at the wrong time, and part of growing a relationship is figuring out how to deal with that. It’s MATH, ladies. There are outliers – you might even be one of them, so do what you think is right for you. But it’s pointless to ignore the trends. Maybe you won’t meet the right person until you are 50, and that’s fine. Obviously you, personally, should not get married in college. But pretending that’s going to work for everyone? It’s like saying that climate change is a myth because it snowed in April this year.  

So here I am, shaking my head slowly in disbelief. We plan the ever loving SHIT out of our career paths in college. We learn, and we experiment, and we scheme and dream. We have internships, we solicit letters of recommendation and then we go out into the work world and implement those ideas, sometimes before we quite feel ready. But we grow and change in our career paths and continue to learn and improve. And then someone suggests that we might give the same consideration to our personal lives, you know, what we do with the OTHER 16 hours a day, and we all go ballistic and accuse them of trying to stifle our success.

Beer brewing, and other home adventures.

No one wants to hear about the hard choices that we will all have to make. Choices between romance and career goals, between tacos or pasta, between east coast or west coast, between taking that promotion or spending more time at home with kids. But that doesn’t make them go away. At 22, I tore up about 5,000 pro/con lists between the Grige and the Peace Corps, and I finally chose the guy I had been dating for less than 6 months The last thing that I needed after that heart-wrenching decision was a bunch of self-righteous bitches telling me that I was an idiot to even consider compromising my career for a relationship. Well, life keeps right on happening whether you feel like making tough decisions or not. So let’s try to take Patton’s advice for what it is: advice. You can take it or leave it, but you are out of your damn mind if you think college isn’t statistically one of the best social opportunities you’ll have to meet someone to marry.

Exhausted

Disclaimer: I really want this post to be about my 12 mile long run yesterday. But I already know I'm going to get distracted. I want you to know that I have tried to calm down. I've tried wine, I've tried pranayama breathing, I tried talking to the Grige and my Mom, and I've reached the conclusion that if I am still this angry after 12 miles, or 2 hours and 17 minutes, of pounding pavement, I'm probably not going to relax for a while.

So let's start with the run, and see where we go. I wanted to start early, but let's be honest: I love staying in bed with the Grige for as long as he will let me. I'm building a whole life around that fact, because I am actually a morning person, but it's the only time I get to see him, so I take full advantage. So I dropped him off at studio around 8, and ran to the grocery store, and ate some peanut butter toast and a banana. I actually made it out the door by 10 a.m., which is quite a bit earlier than normal!

I really just want to let that paragraph be, but did you know that I am a horrible feminist because I let my husband's schedule dictate my plans? Do you know that that's what I was thinking about while we snuggled? That I am letting my gender down because I want to appreciate my husband. Yes, I let that stupid article in New York Magazine, which I will not link to on principle, get in my head BIG TIME.

I was actually excited to read it. I think it's so cool that we're approaching a time where women can chose to work, or stay home, or really do whatever they want without judgement. I was psyched to read about feminist housewives, who are devoting their educations and energy to raising responsible, kind, intelligent little humans and to providing care and assistance to those they love. Well, SURPRISE! Instead, I got to read a bunch of barely veiled snide commentary peppered with out of context quotes designed to make these women sound like simpering idiots and make me feel bad about pretty much every single choice I've ever made and will ever make.

And as my anger simmers, I realize that what is so wrong about this article is that it not only pits women against each other, but it pits women against their husbands, and it really makes you wonder what the hell kind of woman could actually win in the world the author paints. It made me feel like the fact that I cooked dinner for my husband last week is not because I love him and want to support him, or even because I like to cook, but actually because I'm participating in some patriarchal scheme that my husband and all the men everywhere have concocted. He wasn't working late, he was actually smoking cigars with all the other bros and laughing about it while I slaved over a hot stove.

You see, my marriage is not a microcosm for all gender roles everywhere. It's actually just a couple of fools trying to muddle through building a meaningful and enjoyable life together. As a team. And if I decided to stay home, or take a job as a CEO at a start up, it would be a team decision, and there would be pros and cons just like every other decision in life. Maybe it would work and maybe it wouldn't, our job is just to find what works for us, which is pretty damn feminist, if you ask me. I suspect we're not alone in this, and I'm tired of making a decision to do what's right for someone other than myself getting read as being a bad feminist. If I start believing that my husband is not on my team, and I'm out here alone fighting for an abstract construct or whatever just out of spite, that's a really sad life!

12 miles is a long time to think about something and not get any more clarity. Which is how I know that this is a big problem. And then last night, after inhaling a bunch of Persian food, our waiter overhead me bitching (and not for the last time) about what a horrible year for women 2013 is turning out to be. I was specifically complaining about the fact that a hotelier in Greece will only communicate with the Grige instead of me, even though we are paying him with MY CREDIT CARD. My tone was somewhere in between exhausted and "what the f*cking f*ck?!?!". And then, at the end of the meal, for the first time in my entire life (throughout most of which I have been either picking up or splitting bills), the waiter handed ME the check. So maybe there's hope. There was definitely a big-ass tip for him.

I think that feminism for me is a little bit like long distance running. It's a mental game, all about choice - how you let people make you feel, which way you turn, whether or not you can keep going. It always makes you hungry and tired, and sometimes, it gives you diarrhea. It's your race, but it's a lot more fun when you do it as part of a team. To win at running, it's pretty much useless to tear other people down. It's not a contact sport. And to be honest, the real win is just finishing for most of us. Maybe I'm reaching for that, but I think it rings true. I should know, I thought about it for 12 miles, or 2 hours and 17 minutes, yesterday.

New Year: New Goals

Like every other person on the planet, I approach the new year as a fresh start. I review my life list, think about the things in my life that I'm not loving and try to find ways to change them. Since starting a new job and saying goodbye to my childhood home as I helped my parents move was enough to be going on with for the first part of this month, I'm just getting started now.

Our Beautiful Home, I miss it already.
Photo: Summer Jean Photography

For those who care, the new job is going great, I definitely made the right decision. I'm being challenged enough to stay motivated, I like the company and the nature of my work and am genuinely excited about my career for the first time in a long while. I will continue to leave my professional life outside the scope of this blog, but I think that our work sets the tone for a lot of other things in our lives. So it's worth addressing that mine is keeping me very busy, but also very happy right now.

2012 was a pretty darn big year for me, so I'm looking forward to 2013 as a chance to focus on all the little stuff that slowly got away from me last year. More specifically: my health. Which isn't to say that I did a bad job last year, I started training for a marathon, I discovered (and promptly fell in love with) yoga, and tried the Clean diet. Unfortunately, somewhere in the mess of moving, marrying, living apart for 2 months, unemployment, and the strain of the Grige's extremely intense first semester, all of that fell apart... without me really noticing.

So healthy goals are taking the lead for 2013. Especially with work being busy, it's important to be realistic. I've divided my approach into three categories: Diet, Exercise and Mental Wellness.

Diet
With realism in mind, I'm not going to try any crazy juice diets this time. I'll be practicing BPP or Balance, Preparation and Portion control. I'll achieve Balance by using a phone application that calculates calories to balance my diet with my exercise. I'll also be aiming for meals that hit all my major food groups. Preparation will likely be the most important part of my plan. I've set my weekly shopping day for very early on Sunday mornings. I'll then dedicate the rest of the morning to preparing meals for the week, so all I have to do is grab them out of the fridge. I'm also spending the extra $ to keep a stash of clif bars and smoothies on hand for quick energy. Keeping our fridge stocked with easy meals will help me stay on track. Portion Control is the tough part, especially after exercising. I've bought smaller tupperware containers for lunches, but I've also bought some small bowls and plates to keep me in the right mind frame when I eat at home too.

Exercise
My exercise goals for this year are all about figuring out what works in real life. Rather than bogging myself down in one big goal (like a marathon) I'm sprinkling things around a little bit. I'm still looking for a yoga home, but I'm hoping to add to my home practice by finding a studio I'd like to attend 2-3 times a week. In addition, I'm planning to fit in cardio 4-5 times a week. I'd like to combine running and swimming to keep things interesting. Finally, I purchased Jillian Michaels 30 day shred for a high impact start to my routine. I know it will keep me motivated to see great results early on, and from what I've heard, this will give me the boost I need to feel strong in my training. Accountability and planning will be the most important parts of my plan. To hit both of these elements, I'm signing up for the Go! St. Louis half marathon in April. I was running 1/2 marathon mileage when I dropped my marathon training last year, so I know it's within my reach.

Mental Health
The whole point of all of my health goals is to feel good about myself. So I'm not going to ignore the mental part. Having a job that I like and health goals to fill my time is a good start, but I think I need to reach a little farther than that. I'd like to make some friends here in STL, which is not something I usually do well. To narrow the scope, I'm hoping to find a running buddy as a start. I also hope to visit my friends a lot this year, I don't want to lose touch just because we've moved.

So those are my big goals for 2013. Certainly, I have metrics to back them all up, but those aren't really important out of context. I'm hoping to review my video series with results in both weight and inches lost, a'la www.healthytippingpoint.com, but we'll see if I have time or not.

A Note On Style

You will rarely hear me say much about personal style. I have a few opinions, but they're generally safe, oft-shared opinions that I parrot like the proper woman-blogger that I am. But today, I have a general style note, specifically aimed at PBS. Hold on to your hems, because it's a three-parter.

I'm presently watching (mostly because I'm so horrified that I can't look away) Celtic Woman: A Christmas Celebration on PBS.

1. It's not only un-flattering, but actually just completely in bad taste to put 20-30+ year-old talented female vocalists in pastel colored prom dresses for a Christmas special. I understand that you may be trying to get away from "the little black dress", but you're undermining their talent by making their appearance not only un-seasonable, but also laughable. it looks like a high school prom. Which usually only takes place in May.

They are not wearing those wraps right now...

2. If you insist on the bevy of strapless pastel prom dresses, learn to properly film such a dress. I understand that you're trying to avoid the inherent sexy-ness of the vocalists' heaving bosoms, but by avoiding the bust line, you're making them all look naked. So please, at least attempt to get the top of the dress in the shot. You're making an already bad style situation far worse.

Imagine this if you cut them all off above the bust line...

3. Is that the front-woman from the Dixie Chicks? If so... how the mighty have fallen. I think it's not though... at least the internet doesn't think so. I was truly frightened for a moment.

Color me horrified. 

A Mystery Solved: Women's Health

Last weekend, I burst into tears over the fact that network TV (we use an antenna) was airing Notre Dame instead of Michigan for the second week in a row. Not, like a few frustrated sniffles. This was like full-on toddler tantrum tears. I also haven't worn real pants in 5 days, which has to be some kind of record. The waistbands were just not happening for me, which I couldn't figure out.

And then, this morning in a red flash of clarity, I realized what the problem was - I just started my first natural period in over 6 years. After the Grige and I got married, I decided that it was a good time to take a little hiatus from birth control. Mostly, I wanted to give my body a chance to function without hormones. Birth control has always been a little challenging for me, It impacts my appetite, usually resulting in weight gain, it gives me nasty migraines, and it obliterates my sex drive (no wonder it's so effective). All of which I can live with, if I must. I can't help wondering if there isn't a better way. I especially wanted to go au natural for a while to make sure that I am healthy - ovulating regularly and not showing any weird patterns or signs that might be early indicators of fertility problems.

The Grige and I definitely want a child, but we aren't planning to have him or her until I'm in my early to mid-thirties. Since fertility problems run in my family, I want to be actively involved in tracking and understanding my fertility as early as possible. If it seems likely that we might have problems, we want to avoid unknowingly waiting until the graceful evening of my primary childbearing years to start trying. Enter: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, a book on the fertility awareness method (FAM) of birth control. 

When I was in college, we had a guest speaker in one of my women's studies classes who said something that blew my mind: "Don't we all deserve the pleasure of unprotected sex without the woman having to deal with all of these complications? Shouldn't science be working on a better way??" It had never occurred to me that I deserved something more than migraines, a non-existent sex drive and weight gain in order to have the kind of sex I wanted with a trustworthy, monogamous partner. Which is stupid, because of course there is a better way. I still think that science owes us a contraceptive that allows skin-to-skin contact and protection from sexually transmitted infections, and FAM is not the answer to that. However, it's an ideal solution for someone like me - in a monogamous, trusting marriage. 

It was a little intimidating to purchase the book. Amazon now totally thinks that I'm trying to get knocked up and keeps suggesting all manner of baby crap for me to buy. However, it's not worse then the deluge of crap that was recommended after I bought The Hunger Games for my Kindle, and it will stop eventually, probably when I buy a bunch of hiking gear or beer brewing supplies. It was absolutely worth the ads for boppy pillows and breast pumps, because let me tell you - the female body is fascinating.

This is what a chart looks like - borrowed from www.tcoyf.com, check out the website for more cool tools and discussions.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility  and the FAM method offer an easy, 3-factor system to track your cycles and identify times when it is safe to have sex without a barrier method, like a condom. It hinges primarily on taking your temperature before you get out of bed in the morning and checking your cervical fluid several times a day and keeping track of everything on a chart. It's definitely something you need to get in the habit of, but it's pretty easy to just keep the thermometer next to your alarm and grab it after you hit snooze each morning. Checking your cervical fluid is very easy and becomes a habit quickly. The charting part is fun and easy to remember, because it's amazing and exciting to watch patterns emerge.

In short, I think this method is going to work great for the Grige and me, and I think it's worth a look for anyone who is also in a monogamous relationship and looking to get hormones and latex out of their daily diet. It's very empowering to know so much about what's going on with my body. It's also practical and useful to know exactly when to expect my period, when I'm at risk for pregnancy and why I'm in such a crabby mood sometimes. Knowledge is power.

The flip side of all that knowledge is that once we start charting, there will never be any uncertainty about getting pregnant for us, if and when we decide to try. I think it's really hard to definitively decide that you are "ready" to have kids, and I think a lot of couples dodge that certainty of readiness by simply stopping the use of contraceptives and "seeing what happens". Then you can assume that it's a sign from the universe that you're ready if you get pregnant.

Any couple who uses FAM won't be able to avoid knowing that they are fertile on a certain day. They will have a strong grasp of the likelihood of a pregnancy resulting from sex before they even get their pants off. Scary. Of course, it's not a guarantee or anything, but the decision to have unprotected sex on a fertile day is a conscious and deliberate one. Couples using FAM can even make an estimation based on some moderately controversial research as to the likelihood of conceiving a boy or a girl based on the day they have sex.

That is way more control than we're sensitized to having over the process of having a child. It's actually a great thing, but it's hard to get used to all that power and control when the myth of conception that we're all taught is so wrapped in mystery and fate instead of patterns and science. Luckily, starting now means that the Grige and I will have lots of time to get used to it before we start exercising our knowledge in order to have a child.

What If I Had Grown Up Without Sex and the City?

What if? Oh, the horror. I know we're supposed to turn to role models, like our parents, movie stars, political figures ect... to model our lives upon. My Mom went out of her way to make sure that I was never over-exposed to the corruption that HBO TV shows could provide, and that I had strong parental role-models for a loving marriage.

But she missed something. Something I think that a lot of mothers miss. It's gross to think about your parents having sex, same sign for most politicians. And often the only message available is that sex is a bad thing. Porn is bad. Sex before marriage is bad. Sex in general is bad.

So then, we have no model for sex. No model for good sex, no model for bad sex, no model for abusive sex, no model for deviant sex, and even more importantly than all that, no model for saying no to sex. No model at all. Models are important. We use models to learn math, and we use models to learn fashion. We use them to learn how to prepare a chicken, to build a house, to assess patent claims and to write papers. Models are IMPORTANT.

If, in the ideal situation, our parents are modeling an ideal for marriage and thus sex, there is a tremendous disconnect in how we view sex. No one wants to have the talk, and it's challenging, in the context of most parental relationships, to translate just how amazing/important/empowering/joyful sex can be. We get hung up on "the right person at the right time" and forget to mention that the act itself should be nice. I'm not suggesting that parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex. They should, early and often. If they're brave, they'll even discuss how a healthy sex life (or lack thereof) impacts their marriage. However, there's just no way the fundamental and accessible model for a healthy sex life can come from our parents. This issue is especially challenging for women. Where it's expected that men be interested in porn, and sex, it's considered taboo and "dirty" for a woman to be interested in the same things. Also, the porn model problem creates all kinds of confusion about acceptable sexual behavior and etiquette for men, which young women then have to find a way to deal with when their high school boyfriends think they should be up for totally unspeakable acts in the backseat of the car. "You want to put that WHERE? You sick SHIT!".

Enter: Sex and the City. I know I'm not the first person to cheer the brilliant strides this show took - taking chick lit that would have been otherwise unavailable to those of us mired in Jane Austen and preparing it for witty consumption by women the world over. But I really can't imagine where I'd be without it. The idea that there is no "wrong" sexual relationship, so long as you feel comfortable, safe and empowered was one that had never occurred to me. Which is a good thing, because knowing it's okay to want sex is the best way to feel like you can take control of your body and the situation.

Thanks Ladies.
Photo: HBO

Not only did the show offer models of empowered women having sex safely (both emotionally and physically) but it also showed them making (and dealing with) mistakes, something that would be hard for even the most humble and enlightened parent to model. It modeled marriage, both failed and flawed but successful, it modeled the impact of low self-esteem, lesbian experimentation, power roles - you name it. And suddenly, being a confused, young woman started to feel a lot more normal.

My hearty thanks to Candace Bushnell, Michael Patrick King, Darren Star, and the talented cast of six un-paralleled seasons, for finally giving me a model for sex that allowed me to be confused, make mistakes, find answers and take control of my body. I owe you a great deal.

Maybe my Mom, like many other moms, was worried that at the impressionable age of 14 or 15, I would start saving for Manolo Blahniks and giving blow jobs in the girls room during lunch. Maybe she was right to save the show for when I was in college, on my own. However, I think that many parents don't give their kids enough credit. I think a high school girl can watch Carrie and co. cavorting around NYC and understand that they're looking at 30+ year-old women who have a completely different life from them. Like any other model, what they learn from the slow is only useful when applied situationally. In the world of many teenage girls, I think this would mean more respect for the power of their bodies, less embarrassment at the discovery of the pleasure of masturbation, less focus on marriage as the ultimate goal of their young womanhood (hello, midwest!) and a much lower tolerance for the porn-infused sexual fantasies of boys their age.

Because, you know, knowledge is power. And given the current political climate, I think that young women everywhere really deserve a chance to know what's at stake and form their own opinions, before all of their choices are gone. 

That's Not Very Zen...

We have a little bit of a spider problem in our new home. The Grige insists that it's not really a problem so much as a really aggressive "other bug" solution. So far, I've only seen one or two on the floor of our bedroom, which is okay, but the rest of the house is a freaking spider free-for-all. They're not too nasty - just mid-size, bug-eating, brown guys - and I'm learning to deal with them.

I do wish that Toby Maguire could come hang out with us instead.
Photo: http://www.meltingpotinternational.com/news6.html 

Earlier this week, I was in the bathroom doing my business (like you do) and one came flying out from under the tub like a bat out of hell and kept coming straight at me despite screeching, bath mat kicking, and what can only be described as "leg flailing". I ended up killing it with my bare foot, and thus began the "always wear shoes" rule. I hope you're laughing, because I'm banking on the comedic value of this story being greater than my humiliation at sharing it. The Grige thinks this was the funniest thing that has ever happened.

After that, I have been (understandably) a little bit jumpy. I was taking the trash out (filled with the dripping remains of soaked hops and wort - homebrewing is not really winning my heart this week), and a bottle cap rolled out from under it. I screamed bloody murder, jumped a mile and spilled a combination of coffee grounds, nectarine pits and beer soaked brewing remains all over the kitchen floor. So, you know, improvement! At least it wasn't bodily fluids this time, though I did still have to change my pants afterwards - there are few things more disgusting than running shorts drenched in sweat and beer. Luckily, I had just returned from a run and needed to shower anyway.

The front sun room, my yoga mats are in the corner, the Grige's crap is everywhere else

The worst infestation of spiders thus far has been in the front sun-room. This is mostly because it has been neglected, filled with boxes and random musical equipment since we moved in. We are planning to use it as a guest bedroom/reading room once our new couch arrives and we can move the evil futon of decoration death in there. However, that won't be until early November. Filled with the determination-that only unemployment and spending a year in a 500 square foot apartment- could inspire to use every square foot in our apartment, I decided to turn the front sun room into a yoga room.

One of the things the Grige and I agreed not to compromise on as we planned for our new, depleted financial condition was fitness expenses. We're both much happier people when we get our exercise, so a yoga membership for me and gym membership for him were non-negotiable. However, I've been reluctant to actually get started at a studio before I've figured out some income, so I've been writing my own practice in addition to running. Using a kitchen timer and a notebook, I have to say it's going pretty well.

Another sunroom shot, so you can understand the extent of spider dwelling area

So back to the spiders. It's not that it didn't occur to me that I was trying to set up a zen space in a place that was filled with spiders and messy things for them to hide behind. I brought a few pairs of shoes and a roll of paper towels in with me and hoped the scent of my incense would deter them. What I didn't expect is that one with a rotund body the size of my thumb nail would crawl torpidly, like Shelob out of her lair, across my mat while I was in headstand. No shoe or paper towel could save me, frankly, I think that even a sledgehammer would have been unequal to the task.

Luckily, the beast's worst was to stroll across my mat like she owned it while I lost my shit, grabbed a shoe and waited, heart pounding, for her to vacate my mat and meet her doom. Which she did, with much squelching on her part and screaming on mine. Not very zen.

So instead of Shavasana, I killed a box of wine and tried to recover for the rest of the evening. I don't yet know what the lesson here is, only that St. Louis is finding new ways to challenge my sanity every day, and I'm probably going to just go ahead and get that yoga studio membership. 

Remember When I Said We Could Handle Moving and Marrying in the same Month?

Actually, I don't think I ever wrote that. I knew this would be stressful, but then stuff like the last 48 hours comes flying out of nowhere and knocks us both on our asses.

I talk a lot about how different the Grige and I are. Different personalities, different coping styles, different talents, strengths, communication styles and backgrounds. It makes for a lot of good variety in our life, and generally, I love it. But sometimes I worried that we didn't have enough in common to make for a strong marriage. Because everyone has fears like that, and it's hard to be in love with someone who is oh, so very different from you.

There is one major way that we are exactly the same, and I didn't even realize it until earlier this very summer. We are both kind-hearted, generous people who generally (and somewhat naively) assume that everyone else is nice and sharing and gives people the benefit of the doubt too. You may be surprised to hear that this is not always the case, and sometimes we get yelled at, scolded, bullied - whatever you want to call it - by people who are not quite so nice and innocent as we are. But that's not even the thing we have in common!

Packing... and Cooking Creatively.

The thing we really have in common is the fact that these interactions with people who treat us rudely and accuse us of generally being "up to no good" really de-rail both of us in very physical and personal ways. We are genuinely hurt, to the point of feeling ill, having trouble eating and sleeping, and even breaking out in a rash (that's just me, not the Grige), when people assume we're looking for a fight or trying to undermine their authority and treat us disrespectfully as a result. I know people who can just let things like that roll right off their backs, but the Grige and I are just not those people. Instead, we lie in bed next to each other all night, staring at the ceiling with our minds racing over what we could have done wrong/what we can do to fix it.

To sum up, we don't have a problem with authority or rules, and when we find ourselves in the wrong, we're willing to accept responsibility and correct our actions. We desperately want to follow the rules and we actually, physically need to be validated for doing so. How do we want to be validated? you might ask... Well, we want to be given the benefit of the doubt that we don't go around trying to make life hard for people and that any wrong-doing on our part is an honest mistake that we want to fix.

Photo: Jeanine Finch

So right now, we're not sleeping much and are generally very distressed about a problem with the condo board in our building (which, by the way, refuses to speak with us directly, even though we are NEIGHBORS, making it very hard for concerns to be addressed for either party) and our moving plans. The passive-aggressive nasty-ness and dictatorial manner have beaten both of us into sniveling, sleepless little heaps of pity while we try to deal with an ever-growing pile of wedding stuff.

Montello Condo Board! If you guys are reading this - we really want to follow your (stupid and kind of crazy) rules! Just stop yelling at us already! We are only asking questions!

Some people might say that we should just hunker down, get through the move, pay whatever psycho fines we're assessed and NEVER EVER RENT IN A CONDO BUILDING EVER EVER EVER. Generally, I agree with them. Don't do it. I know the unit is beautiful, and competitively priced, but just don't, okay? No one likes being a second class citizen, especially in their own home. And, you can live there when you are ready to buy.

However, that's not the moral of the story here. The moral of the story is that even though things are very very dark and sucky and stressful right now, I'm kind of glad this is all happening. Because it is infinitely comforting to me to know that the man I'm going to marry shares my deep, ingrained, desire to do the right thing, and to treat people (and be treated) fairly and honestly. And to know that those things are so important to him that he's up all night with knots in his stomach and eyes on the ceiling right next to me? It's priceless.

May your wedding planning be filled with slightly less stressful and upsetting reminders of why you are marrying your partner.

Toot-Toot, Beep-Beep – or How I Manage Transportation

I am a control freak, obviously. I mean, I can't even allow other people to pay for my dinner because I think it throws off our "power dynamics".  I have also never owned a car, and haven't been behind the wheel in over a year. I am very serious about using public transportation (and now, my new bike!). As you might imagine, reconciling these two parts of my moral fiber is no picnic.

Using public transportation in any big city is a smart move financially. Using a bicycle (when weather and time permit) is even smarter. The problem is that you have to relinquish a lot of control in order to do it. Buses and trains are crowded and do not usually run on time. No amount of alertness can save you from that errant car door that opens into the bike lane, or the bike thief who carries enough tools to break through all three of your locks.

An unexpected cloud burst or even a completely expected rainy day can disrupt your routine so badly that you feel as if you will never recover. For me, that frustration just burns in my chest until I feel like I'm going to explode all over the other people at my bus stop. At one point, I lived almost two miles from the nearest metro stop and had to stay home sick during thunderstorms.

So here are some tips to surviving as a control freak without a car, and for getting the most out of your transportation dollars.

• Take. The. Bus. If you live in Washington, D.C. at least. The buses here are clean, not nearly as crowded as the metro during rush hour and infinitely cheaper. They are also far more likely to have working climate control. Traffic can be annoying, but slight alterations in your daily schedule can fix this.

• Change your work schedule. Most work places are getting more and more flexible with what they will allow. Often, the difference between commuting at 8:30 am instead of 9:00 am can save you time, money, and dealing with crowds. The same goes for leaving at 5:00 pm or 6:00 pm instead of right at 5:30 pm.

• Bike! Bikes are great – and most cities have a bikers association with perks like "guaranteed ride home" and tips for the best traffic routes and for avoiding accidents. You will be shocked at how much of the city opens up to you once you have a bike – what once took you one hour and two train changes, suddenly takes you 20 minutes from door to door. The kicker is that it's also great for your health!

• Zipcar. There are lots of great things outside the city and it sucks to have to depend on someone who owns a car to take advantage of them. Zipcar is also great for big grocery store trips, because no one looks good carrying a 20-pack of toilet paper on the handlebars of their bike.

• Get to know your neighbors/meet new people. I met my Partner on the metro at rush hour. If you can cling to a shred of your positive attitude and keep an open mind, who knows who you might meet!



Living anywhere in America without a car is difficult. It challenges our habits and comfort daily. However, using public transportation in combination with biking can save you money, improve your health, and help you wage your own righteous battle on oil dependency. Just try to remind yourself of that the next time you ruin a pair of suede shoes standing in the rain at a bus stop.

I've got no car and it's breakin' my heart, but I've got a driver and that's a start.....

Double E



How the Heck are We Supposed to Find Romance in this Minefield?

My Partner and I split the bill on our first date. It was at the kind of restaurant where you pay at the counter, so there was no awkward fumbling of the wallets while sitting across from each other, but still. He made it clear that he had no intention of paying for me, and I made it clear that I had no intention of letting him.

 

That first date really set the tone for our relationship. Since that moment, I have known that every time he picks up a bill, surprises me with flowers, or even cleans the bathroom, it is because he very specifically and purposefully thought about me and wanted to do something special. I also know that I don't owe him anything* – not then, not now, not ever.

I think this is really important – it's so easy to walk away from a first date where one person  (a guy, in this scenario) picks up the tab and you feel like you owe him something. It could be anything from a second date to a kiss to a coffee after dinner, but it's still something you owe the other person. I can't tell you how many times I have ended up doing something stupid because of some unfounded sense of "fairness" to a person who bought me a meal.

The person who pays has perceived power. This is a fact, whether we call it gallantry or not. How can you possibly begin a relationship between equals when the power balance is tipped before the end of your first date? No really – I am asking! I am guessing the answer has something to do with trust and/or shameless gold-digging, but I am talking about a date that will hopefully lead to a relationship. If a free meal is your objective – go forth and prosper, this advice will not help you.

Since we don't live in communist China, it's unlikely that your income (and/or debt) will be an exact match to your date's. Factors like gender and age can widen the gap even further. I'm not suggesting that you foray into credit card debit to pay for your lobster  and filet dinner at the country club, or that you limit potential dates to people who are your financial twin. I am suggesting the following:

• For first dates, stick to more casual outings – like lunch at a place where you pay at the counter, or an afternoon picnic where you prepare the meal beforehand. This will not only keep the bill reasonable, but you will both be more comfortable in a place that isn't screaming "high expectations!!!!" at you from the moment the escargot show up. Pull out that show stopping dinner later on when you know it's worth the investment (and you know each other well enough to laugh together when you accidentally shoot a snail at someone across the room).

• Plan to pay for your portion on a first date. If you are facing a drastic income gap and your date has insisted on a place you can't exactly afford, offer to pay the tip, or for the drinks. I promise – you will absolutely feel more comfortable if you do this, and it shows your date that you are taking them seriously.

• If you do find yourself on a second, third or tenth date with someone who makes a lot more than you and wants to pay for nicer places, think about how it makes you feel. Then talk to them about it. Compromise is the key to success in any relationship, including your relationship with your bank account. Maybe you skip fancy desserts and you treat Richy Rich to froyo and a walk after nice dinners.

The bottom line is that money plays a huge role in our relationships, whether we are aware of it or not. Finding romance (read: a relationship that actually works in real life) is tricky enough, so let's get smarter about defining power and money dynamics in our relationships early and often.

You stay classy,

Double E

*Except maybe to love him – which I promised to do of my own free will without any prompting with gifts.