My Vow to Our Wedding

At this moment, I am staring at a stack of the first wave of save-the-dates and fighting the urge to call the Grige and ask if he’s sure I should send them today.

They’re all neatly addressed in my handwriting, with directions to our wedding website and covered in beautiful hand-drawings by the Grige. I think I want his permission because putting those suckers in the mail is a big flipping deal. Perhaps I’ve watched too many sitcoms where the groom stands paralyzed before the mailbox pondering how his life is about to change. Commitment issues are not strangers in our relationship, but it’s never to each other that we struggle to commit. I’m paralyzed over committing to the wedding we are going to have.

I would like to be this happy on our wedding day

I’m only planning to have one wedding, and if there is one unifying factor between the literature on budget weddings and the wedding industrial complex is the obsession with individuality. No matter where I look, I’m being bombarded with quirky, sweet and crafty touches that utterly represent who the couple is. A lot of that is good marketing paired with the advantage of the rear-view mirror as couples leave their weddings behind. But from this end, looking down the tunnel at a very vague idea of what the day will be, it’s very hard to see it all coming together. I’m feeling the pressure big-time to make everything more personalized, more handmade, more “us”.

"Us"
The Grige being artsy with a camera, Me jumping around like an idiot.

When I run back through the decisions we’ve made so far and really break down our reasoning, I don’t think I’d change anything. We made the best choices we could, based on the resources and circumstances that we’re working with. But I still end up looking at the wedding “product” (so far) and thinking “huh. How the hell did we get here?” The answer is simple: a compromise here, a little bending of my formerly strict boundaries there… add about 100 more people than we planned on and a discovery of my inability to coordinate too many moving pieces from afar and voila! All those little changes turned into something I barely recognize.

Photo: Jeanine Finch

I will put those save-the-date cards in the mail today, and when I do, the focus is going to have to shift from questioning my decisions all the time to actually making things happen.  Because that is what commitment is: acknowledging differences and imperfections, making a monumental and firm decision to accept them anyway, and plowing ahead with determination unparalleled to make it the best damn decision you’ve ever made. That, my friends, is how planning a wedding helps prepare you for marriage. Dropping those save-the-dates in the mail will be my vow to our wedding. I don’t like you right now, but I will love you always, because yours is the day I will marry the Grige.