There is no diploma awarded for successfully
surviving your spouse’s graduate school program. It’s true – you also cried. You were awakened
at all hours of the night. You did the laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and
money earning for two this whole time, and you tried very hard not to keep
score. Maybe you moved to a new city and got a new job. Maybe you spent some
late nights and long car rides debating a subject you know nothing about, and
your lunch break googling design parameters. You dreaded the stress of finals
week and you celebrated the end of each semester (even though you realized that
you were not the one getting a 3 week break). You cared. You invested. And now
that it’s time for graduation, you may be feeling like you don’t matter.
It’s no secret that being married and in grad
school sucks for everyone involved. One of the things that made the whole thing
bearable for me was the fact that I really felt like we were doing it together –
He needed to focus, so I made sure that he didn’t have to worry about any of
those day-to-day functioning things like bills, oil changes and obtaining food.
Then any free time he had was spent re-charging and spending quality time with
me. I take pride in the fact that I contributed to his success by always
supporting him, listening to his ideas and critiquing his work when he asked. Now
that he’s about to don his cap and gown, and everyone is calling him Master, I
feel
empty.
It also doesn’t seem right to take any of this
moment away from him – he earned it! And I’m sure he could have done it without
me, though he would smell worse and have slept less. I’m not asking for a
ticker tape parade, or to have my name stamped on the diploma. I don’t really
think I’m asking for anything, actually. It’s not terribly comfortable; it
feels like a let-down right now. But just because I won’t be receiving an
advanced degree in exchange for all my work, doesn’t mean it isn’t a team
victory. I’m learning that marriage is sometimes about quietly standing behind
the person you’ve chosen to share your life with, in the shadows, and having
their appreciation be enough.
And maybe taking a really extravagant vacation
together too.
